you’ve been living in chronic pain for so long you forget what normal feels like.
your body hurts everyday, but it’s better than before. it’s okay. it used to be an 8 out of 10 for most of your 20s . post two hip surgeries, it settled into a 2 out of 10 with, with occasional spikes — 4s,5s, and sometimes 6s — during the recovery process. right now its hovering around 4, but you’re so tired of fighting for your body, it feel like a 10. the exhaustion is magnified and you feel the madness rising. there’s no fix anymore, here are no more second chances — just the sad realization that now it’s about managing the pain. first hip surgery at 27, second at 28. now you’re 30, wondering what this will feel like in 5 years. 10 years. 20. will you even make it to 30 years?
it started with describing symptoms to doctors, but you minimize them because something like this can’t be real, it can’t happening to you, its something everyone must be going through — the pains of aging. the doctors tried, but their time was limited, their attention divided. you left the appointments unsatisfied, questioning yourself more than the diagnosis. what’s wrong with me? you ask yourself again and again.
and there were other accidents along the way
then you get your diagnosis. what then? who do you blame?
did you miss out on the genetic lottery? do you blame your mom’s health during pregnancy? do you blame the larger forces and their bad actions imparted on the country you were born in, condemning countless men women and children? do you blame white supremacy for slowly suffocating people in less fortunate countries in this never-ending race for resources? capitalism? do you blame capitalism? who can you blame? who do i blame?
zooming out, it starts to makes sense.
the sanctions limiting medical supplies, the lack of care due to these systemic barriers, economic instability that chokes access to care care care — international policies creating these conditions for suffering. your country has faced heavy sanctions from the u.s. and the un, with consequences that ripple far beyond economics. people consequences.
preventable deaths because there aren’t enough doctors— 50 physicians to 100,000 patients. one physician to 2,000 patients. insanity.
the costs? a healthcare system under siege, longer wait times, overburdened physicians on the brink of burnout every single day, inadequate emergency response, higher mortality rates, lower life expectancy, higher prevalence of chronic diseases, delayed diagnoses, and so many preventable deaths, so many lives lost needlessly.
yes, your country has a history of limiting care and aid to its people, which complicates the picture but this isn’t a chicken or egg situation. the US came first. the un came first.
established powers set the rules and enforce them, like the big bad bully on the playground. internal failures contribute, sure, but would you blame the victim for lashing out when trapped in the same circumstances? yes, its an oversimplification but the harsh realities of sanctions are undeniable — they leave lasting marks, much like how a bully’s action ripple through the lives of their victims.
sometimes i feel like its unreasonable to link my personal pain to these global forces. other times, i will put my whole chest behind the fact that an individual’s health is deeply tied to politics.
i am so tired. tired of the pain. tired of dragging myself to PT. tired of the week long tinnitus after every mri.
just tired.